suicide.

You wake up thinking today will be just the greatest day until that one phone call.

As of today, I have declared that just one phone call can mess with your head.

Talking on the phone listening to the terrifying news, the world that revolves around you seems to be spinning faster and faster, and then slowly begins to slow down.

You become nauseous. Your entire body becomes numb.

You begin to think about anything you can possibly think of until your eyes are watered, until your fingers are shaking, until your heart is beating so fast.

How is it even possible to be happy when you know people that are constantly struggling every day?

After yesterday's frenzy, I must be an expert of an answering that question.

Is it even possible to recover when you know that someone you grew up with committed suicide?

The word suicide makes my world cloudy.

What is suicide?

Is it cutting the wire that seems to be running the depressed, sick mind?

Is it holding your breathe?

Is it killing that confusion and disappointment?

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You then remember the days in elementary school when you saw that little boy with the long hair laughing, playing, and healthy.

You remember that day when he called you so many names and anger filled your heart.

You remember he used to be right there with you when you struggled in your Algebra class.

Yeah, him. Where did he go?

As you begin to reminisce, you feel . . . dumb . . . stupid . . confused . .

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Someone tell me there's hope after suicide. Someone tell me that what I live for is the right thing.

Someone tell me not to feel the way I do.

I feel useless. I feel powerless. I feel hopeless.

As I benefit myself every single day, one kid that I grew up with is either pregnant, thinking of suicide, getting kicked out of school, or already have committed suicide.

I ache.

I pray every single day that someday I will have the ability to come back to where I grew up and help each and every one of those who got pregnant, thought of suicide, or got kicked out of school.

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We may not have been the best of friends, but just to know that someone that helped me become who I am today is gone forever is the absolute worst feeling in the world.

We may not have been close. We may not have gotten along. We may not have seen the same point of views.

BUT...

Thank you. Thank you for making me achieve for all that I have done today.

I know deep down inside you were a smart, talented, and a good kid.

You will be missed.

Watch what you say to people because words can hurt. Be nice to people and don’t forget to smile.

“ Live with no regrets.”

Vivere Senza Rimpianti