Ryan.

We used to stay up all night watching Star Wars and doing crosswords. We used to talk about the dogs we would own. We used to ask each other weird questions and buy junk from the dollar store. We did so much together. Until one day, he asked me to meet him at the park. As I get there I am so excited to see him, and he tells me to sit. He was talking, but I could really hear was, “We can’t be together anymore.” He told me not to ask questions, and he left. I watched him leave as tears flooded my eyes and my hands were shaking. I just wanted it to be all a nightmare. Why? He left me devastated, confused, and lost.

Two years strolled by, I was checking my Facebook. I see a friend request from him. All I could say to myself was, “Why now?” I approve the friend request. Seconds later, he messages me, “How are you?” It took me three days to respond, “Good.” He left me like it was nothing. No explanation, no call, no text message. I went to his profile, and I see a picture of him in a military uniform. He enlisted into the Army, and he was deployed to Korea. He told me he was sorry but still he never gave me an explanation. But then again I never did ask for one. I never wanted to hurt like the day he left me. I didn’t want to get close to him again. About three months later, he told me he was returning to America.

He was back at home. To be honest, I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t know what to say. He text me, “Let’s go to dinner.” My mom told me to go, so I did. It was awkward. Until he said, “Courtney. I want to say I’m sorry again. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m sorry for never telling you why. Once again, I’m sorry, but I cheated on you.” We were together for two years, and I don’t see how he could’ve kept me from not knowing for so long. I was mad, but most importantly, I was relieved. But I got up and said, “Thanks for dinner,” and left. What was I supposed to do? Get mad for something that happened two years ago? It was probably the worst thing to do, but two hours later he text me, “I get why you left. I’m sorry. I care about you. I need to talk to you.” I never responded, but he text me everyday and never gave up. I finally said, “Okay. I forgive you.” We started talking again, and he told me he was getting deployed to Afghanistan. He told me he was scared. Of course, my heart was racing, and I didn't know what to do. I felt helpless and weak.

            He was deployed to Afghanistan in 2011. He was in combat for almost a year, so we sent letters to each other. Finally when the war was settling down, he had access to the internet, so he emailed me. He told me he lost two of his best friends in combat and that made him think about his life. He told me God must have helped me for a reason. He told me he stayed up four days straight thinking and he told me maybe God knew I had a purpose and he said, “Courtney, you are my purpose.” I couldn't put myself through that again. I wasn't even fully healed from two years ago. I couldn't do it. He promised me so much. He told me he would wait for me. But I replied, “I’m young. My mom would be so mad. I just want to go to school with no worries.” He understood and said, “Well, in that case, I’m re-enlisting.” That was the last time we talked.

            It has been about three months since then. I think about him from time to time, but lately it has been more than usual. He messaged me this past weekend and said, “I’m on my way back to America. I hope I see you.” I never replied. An hour ago, he text me, “I’m in Cincinnati.” I want  to see him so bad, but I’m afraid. Afraid all these feelings will come back. Afraid of losing him again. Afraid of falling in love. I miss him more than anything. But then I think to myself again, “Maybe he’s my purpose?”